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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

In light of the following article, I have an offer to make. (Hat Tip: emailers)

Targeted Caterpillar boosts PCUSA holdings by $737,548

It's just days shy of a year since the 2004 General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church (USA) approved a resolution to begin a "phased selective divestment" of denominational funds in corporations that do business with Israel.

The bull's-eye on the divestment target was Caterpillar because its machinery has been used to clear a path for the separation barrier that protects Israelis from Palestinian suicide bombers.

Stated Clerk Clifton Kirkpatrick said recently that Caterpillar is still on the target list, although no final action on divestment has been taken.

But Caterpillar also produced a financial windfall for the PCUSA during the year. The per-share value of Caterpillar stock rose from $77.98 on July 2, 2004, the date of the divestment vote, to $97.86 at the close of the New York Stock Exchange June 28.

That means the PCUSA's 37,100 shares have increased in value by $737,548 - from $2,893,058 to $3,630,606. The gain is 25.5 percent, five times the 5 percent gain of the Dow Jones Industrials.

Now, in light of your Church's holdings in this oppressor-enabling corporation, and in light of your clearly very strong feelings on the subject (see below: Is Rev. Clifton Kirkpatrick of the PC(USA) Giving a Wink and a Nod to Terror?), I have an offer I'm sure you can't possibly refuse, and that will end up serving us both very well.

I have no doubt that the weight of all this ill-gotten gain, these dirty spoils, this filthy lucre, has you up at night trying to scrub the blood from your hands.

I can help!

Here is my offer, and I assure you, it is made in all sincerity. Are you ready? Here it is. I will buy ALL of the PC(USA)'s stock at the exact price you paid for it. I'm serious. I can make it happen. Think of it! No need for guilt. No need to stay up at night worrying over your complicity in all those razed homes! You will have profited not at all, and the church will not have lost anything, either. I'll even accept any of the dividend amounts your organization has received!

I know, I know, no need to thank me. My contact information is in the right side-bar. Have your people get in touch. We will make this happen.

Peace of mind is just an email away.

2 Comments

rotfl

What a great idea. I think I'll make the same offer.

I'll ask our presbytery to raise your offer by $1 and then use the proceeds for new church development and a campaign to retire Rev. Kirkpatrick.

"Syme: It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. You wouldn't have seen the [Newspeak] Dictionary 10th edition, would you Smith? It's that thick. [illustrates thickness with fingers] The 11th Edition will be that [narrows fingers] thick. Winston Smith: So, The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect? Syme: The secret is to move from translation, to direct thought, to automatic response. No need for self-discipline. Language coming from here [the larynx], not from here [the brain]" -1984 (film)


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